"You must picture me alone in that room in Magdalen [his
office at Oxford], night after night, feeling, whenever my mind lifted for even
a second frm my work, the steady, unrelenting approach of Him whom I so
earnestly desired not to meet. That which I greatly feared had at last come upon
me. In the Trinity Term of 1929 I gave in, and admitted that God was God, and
knelt and prayed: perhaps, that night, the most dejected and reluctant convert
in all England. I did not then see what is now the most shining and obvious
thing; the Divine humility which will accept a convert even on such terms. The
Prodigal son at least walked home on his own feet. But who can duly adore that
love which will open the high gates to a prodigal who is brought in kicking,
struggling, resentful, and darting his eyes in every direction for a chance of
escape?"
I am struck by the layer of onion peeled back my Lewis in this quote. He not only sees his surrender to God, but the "divine humility" that would accept Him. Who are WE to come to God in this way? How dare we say to the king of kings, "No thanks." Most human kings, if they let us live, would turn away in disgust. There are a hundred more willing subjects waiting to take my place. But GOD is divinely humble. He does not demand the homage He is due. He takes the kicking and screaming convert.
I love the picture of Lewis darting his eyes in every direction for a chance of escape. :) Been there, done that. No, not as a potential convert or even as a new Christian. It has taken me longer in my journey to reach the depth of Lewis' maturity -- to even know that I am reluctant. To gain awareness that I am continually darting my eyes in every direction looking for escape. But there I am -- railing against God at every opportunity. It's comforting to know that in His divine humility, He lets me do this without striking me dead immediately. And He continues to love me. This passage from Lewis has struck me once again today.
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